30 + a month

April 19th, 2025, I turned 30. Today, Monday May 19th, I am 30 + a month.

My entire 29th year, I thought of how different life should be once I reached the milestone of 30. I considered the opportunities I could explore, from the certifications and skills I've worked on over the lifetime I've been gifted... I didn't commit to any one idea of the abundance of scenarios that played on repeat all year.

I lived my 29th year happily, observant and outspoken - I was surprised by things, disappointed by people, supported by lovers who love me in different ways, and who chose me and who I chose. I have no regrets! I could have done any number of things differently, maybe followed "my plan" a bit closer... But then, I wouldn't be exactly where I am right now.

So far, the first month of my 30th year has brought reflection and increased awareness of what's happening inside of me, closer to my soul. I can feel those areas where I've developed scars, and where my self-preservation has suppressed the anger that came from being hurt by situations that I thought I wished never happened...

I realize in my efforts of suppressing the "bad" and covering my wounds with the best of intentions, I've also covered up the expressive parts of me... The parts that feel no shame for screaming, throwing articulated fits of rage until the red fades to a mellow blue and the canvas of the scenario is dripping from the weight of my tears.

Those parts fueled my poetry and my art, they allowed me to release until my mind was calm enough to read chapters at a time, focused and at true peace...

I am focused on re-growing my propensity to create tangible proof that I am here. I am using my mind and my body to produce work that I've only thought of, and then suppressed for some reason.

Right now, I have an abundance of creativity that craves manifestation beyond what could be. I desire to be seen, and I just realized... that involves me translating what I have inside, outside... in every medium that intrigues me.

My heart hears a whisper saying "Make 'could' 'DO.'"

I could.

So I do.